The Bachelor

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bachelor-350x270Oh Tinder, you are the gift that keeps on giving.  As I covered in “It’s Goin’ Down, I’m Yellin’ Tinder”, there are quite a few gems out there.  The 43-52 age range is fairly mellow, so I only wound up with a few in the gem category.  But Daisy is hitting the jackpot in the 30 something age range.  So much so that a few weeks ago she began sending me a Bachelor of the Day or “BOD” every morning.  Let’s review and see who is worth of a rose, shall we?

 

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And you wonder why I have no interest in dating??  I’ve deleted my Tinder account and will rely on Daisy for screenshots to entertain me.  I’ve decided if the Universe forcing me to explore my options, then it’s gonna have to work a lot harder than this to get my attention!  I just hope I’m not passing up a GREATguy!

 

 

 

It’s Goin’ Down, I’m Yellin’ Tinder

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Have you heard of Tinder? It’s a dating app that uses your Facebook profile and matches you with people based on your geographic/age preferences, mutual friends and interests. It takes all of 5 minutes to be up and running, then you anonymously like or pass on people by swiping left no/right yes. If you have both swiped right it results in a “match” and the app opens a text chat between you. In actuality it is a game, and when you hit on a match you have the option to stop and text your new match or “Keep Playing”. I can handle playing. Dating, not so much.

Dating is not my favorite topic, I don’t even like the word.  I don’t understand dating, maybe because I have never done it.  I had two relationships in my late teens/early twenties back in the days when you liked a boy, he liked you, and you became an “insta-couple”.  I met EX when I was 21, and we didn’t date.  We were a regular hook-up that turned into a relationship. Astrologically, dating is not in my chart.  I’ve had several astrologers say some version of “you are NOT a dater”.

PC is also a large part of why dating makes me cringe.  When he and I first re-connected, he was 8 months into his separation, I was still married, and he was actively dating.  Of course he was, it’s what most separated men do almost immediately.  Divorce is a HUGE blow to the male ego.  Even I understand why dating is an important part of the healing process.  He should have been dating.  So it caught me off guard when, during that first conversation, PC mentioned “the women I’ve dated” and I almost blacked out with jealousy.  Side Note: You know there is a problem when you find a suspicious text from another woman on your husband’s phone, and feel nothing; but a platonic male friend you haven’t seen in 10 years and haven’t spoken to in 4 years mentions he’s been dating, and you have a visceral reaction. 

To say I struggled with the dating concept once our relationship shifted doesn’t begin to cover it, (that requires it’s own post).  PC and I are both free to date.  I am not dating.  If PC dates it is a deal breaker.  I detest the concept, it is NONSENSE.  All of my friends think I should date.  I actually agree, I probably should, I just don’t have it in me.  I wish I did, and on more than one occasion when the roller coaster was dropping I have demanded that my friends find me someone to go on a hate date with.  Thankfully it isn’t so easy to find someone for a hate date.  The only real option seems to be online dating, and that is one of my worst nightmares.

ab5edff0a34f4d7a88830fef12833aceI understand why people use online dating.  I have a friend who met her soon to be fiancé that way, and I am thrilled for her.  I know it works for some people.  I guess my aversion stems from the same wiring that makes me hate dating in general.  It just feels so forced to me, like you are letting the internet do the Universe’s job.  (I suppose one could argue that the Universe is using the internet as a tool, but that’s WAY too philosophical for this post.)  There is an online dating site for EVERY type of person and relationship, it goes well beyond Match and E-Harmony.  There are sites for “Group Daters” and Swingers, even one for “Farmers Only”.  It’s a world unto its own.  But last week one of my best friends, who has requested to be called Daisy here, introduced me to the world of Tinder.

Daisy is fabulous, in her early thirties, and recently went through a horrific breakup.  Though she doesn’t share my overall views on dating, she is not a fan of online dating, and right now she isn’t enthusiastic about dating of any kind.  So when friends forced her onto Tinder she was not pleased. But Daisy is “Yellin’ Tinder” now. There is power in a good ego boost and a good distraction to help you through heartbreak, and Tinder provides both in spades.  She showed it to me and I was so entertained I decided to give it a try.

Daisy and I don’t care about the outcome of any of this, so scrolling through potential matches is pure entertainment. The two things that are an automatic swipe left for me are, having the same first name as EX (rules out 20%, super common name); and having the same first name as PC (way more than I expected, his name is not common). We both have a minimum height requirement of 6’2″.  You can’t select a height preference, so if they don’t offer it up in their profile you have to go by the pictures. If he doesn’t look tall enough, swipe left. Even without that criteria, it’s almost always easy to make a split second decision…

I’ve been on just a few days and I have well over 20 matches, which isn’t too shabby for a mid-life Princess. And Daisy, being fabulous and young, is receiving a tremendous response.  I have no plans to ever actually date any of these matches. Daisy may, because why not, she’s young.  And smart.  She is currently chatting with an MMA fighter who texts “RAWR” several times a day, and she would love to parade this giant through the bar her ex frequents just for fun.  She has also had to delete some gems, including a guy who lost his license for 10 years and wants her to travel 20+ miles to see him; and another who text and asked “are you thinking about how much you want to f*** me”. Which makes me feel lucky that the men in my age category (43-52) seem to have a very limited ability to chat it up via text. I’ve only heard from a few, and the worst I’ve encountered is one who started out strong, but now communicates mostly via smiley emoticons.

I am definitely having fun with this. I don’t see me venturing any further into the world of online dating, or dating of any kind. But if dating is a concept I have to deal with, I will play.

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When Planets Go Retrograde, So Goes Prince Charming

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thY92ZA5IOWell I may as well tell you now, I’m into Astrology.  And by “into Astrology” I mean it’s a hobby, and by “hobby” I mean obsession.  I know just enough about it to be dangerous, and I would love to learn more. I follow the daily/weekly/monthly transits pretty closely and love seeing how they play out in everyday life. One of the big transits you often hear about is a “Retrograde”, especially Mercury. A planet is said to be “Retrograde” when it appears to be stopped (stationed) then moves backwards. Each retrograde is surrounded by a shadow period. A time right before and after the retrograde where it’s speed is significantly slower than normal.  But planets don’t actually move backwards, it’s an optical illusion.  All of the planets orbit at different rates, when they pass each other, it looks as though the planet is moving backwards across the sky. It is like riding a train and when a faster train passes you going in the same direction, you briefly feel like you are moving backwards. Mercury is the most well known retrograde, and is infamous for causing mishaps of all kinds, particularly with electronics and communications. The retrograde of any planet will have a particular effect on the prevailing energy, and more specific individual impact depending on placement in a person’s birth chart.  Retrogrades can cause some chaos.  But they can also bring clarity, as they are a time for “RE”. Re-thinking, Re-visiting, Re-doing, Re-evaluating, Re-flecting, etc.

I may as well also tell you now, like any respectable Princess, I have a Prince Charming, aka PC. What we have is pretty unique and awesome. I can’t think of a word that truly captures the connection we have. I am grateful every day that he is in my life even though our relationship is a roller coaster. A giant, scary, loop de loop roller coaster that is at times thrilling and exhilarating, and at other times terrifying and makes me motion sick. th9OE9BJ9UWe both have fairly complicated divorce situations that are not resolved and we both have emotional and psychological wounds that haven’t healed. PC is the most emotionally intelligent guy I have ever known, he is super sensitive, caring, intuitive and fairly emotional. But despite all of this, at the end of the day PC is all GUY. Most of our ups and downs, or “drops” on the roller coaster, have been a result of his intrinsic “guy-ness”.  The past year has been amazing.  I wouldn’t trade a second of it, even though it wasn’t always easy. Despite his “guy-ness” I believe in the connection. And I can stand by this belief because I have amazing friends, a well stocked liquor cabinet and good prescriptions!

As I was buckling in for another “drop” on the roller coaster over the weekend, it occurred to me that Mercury had just gone retrograde. It got me thinking about some of the bigger “drops” we have had over the past year, and I realized most happened during a retrograde.

These “drops” typically occur when things get a little too much for one of us.  Usually him (due to the “guy-ness”).  Some of the “drops” have coincided with other major astrological events, the Cardinal Cross was not good to us, but the overriding theme is the Retrograde….

  • Mercury (planet of communication) went retrograde Friday, and down we went.
  • Mars (planet of war, action and masculine energy) was retrograde March through most of May. We were in a long drop for much of that time.
  • Venus (planet of love and relationships) was retrograde through January and February and Mercury was Retrograde for 3 weeks in the middle of that. Complete malfunction of the roller coaster.
  • Mercury was retrograde in October/November of 2013, that was one of the first drops.

tumblr_lny2j9h4hD1qekhph You may think Astrology is all hocus pocus. Maybe so. But I see it as a valuable way to prepare for the prevailing energy. And in this case, it helps me to plan accordingly for retrogrades. Because I have determined that PC goes retrograde along with the planets. He stations and slows down and things get off kilter. We have time to RE-flect and RE-adjust.  Then things spin in harmony once again.

Is Your Uterus Holding You Back?

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Could your uterus be holding you back?  I bet you’ve never asked yourself that question, but it could be.  Mine most certainly was.

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No, I did not crochet this. But that would have been a reasonable question to ask at the time.

Around the time of the arrival of the Magical Red Shoes, I decided that I was sick of feeling like shit.  I had finally had enough of my “cro-shoulder”, the lower back, hip, leg and foot pains lingering from that torn Achilles tendon, the mood swings and the near constant exhaustion.  I was also done with the lovely symptoms associated with fibroids. I began a quest to make it stop.

I went to the doctor with fairly low expectations. I figured I would get the usual lines. “You should have finished physical therapy”; “Get more exercise”; “Let’s change your antidepressant”; and my favorite “We will keep watching the fibroid, your symptoms are still tolerable”. Tolerable? Really? Sure they are tolerable for YOU, you aren’t living with them. But thankfully that did not happen. I was happily surprised that my primary care felt it was time to address the fibroid she had been “watching” for 11 years. Even more surprising, was learning from the gynecologist that the fibroid had enlarged my uterus to the size it would be were I 5 months pregnant. I should have been distressed. But I was relieved. Relieved I wasn’t imagining that this had become a real problem, and because that sounded like something they would have no choice but to treat.

I had several treatment options. Medication or a procedure that would shrink it and cause massive discomfort; surgery to remove just the fibroid; or a hysterectomy – partial, leave the ovaries, cervix optional. Being the all or nothing girl that I am, I of course chose the hysterectomy, and said to take anything additional I don’t need anymore. This development was the best thing that had happened to me since the shoes. The only downside was I had to wait months for surgery because of the holidays and a pending trip in January. So the date was set for February 1, 2013.

 

I am more than a bit disappointed that my friends did not get a cake like this for Eunice.

I am more than a bit disappointed that my friends did not get a cake like this for Eunice.

During the time I was waiting for surgery, I was experiencing so many issues that the girls and I named my Uterus…”Eunice”.  That’s a symptom doctors don’t talk about, if you and your friends have to name your Uterus it is time to take action. And possibly question your sanity.

A friend who had the same surgery for the same reason that October told me that I would not believe how much better I would feel, even just a week after surgery.  And that by the time I was a month out I would feel better than I could ever remember. She was right. It’s almost inexplicable. EVERYTHING improved. Of course the fibroid symptoms were gone. So was the exhaustion, and my back and hip pain. But the oddest thing was, my ankle/Achilles stopped bothering me as well. I know, I know, how could your uterus possibly impact your ankle?   I do not have an answer, Eunice was just special I guess.  What probably mattered most is that mentally and emotionally I was feeling more empowered than I could ever remember feeling before.

I have since learned that fibroids are thought to be a physical manifestation of a blockage in the 2nd chakra. The chakras are the body’s energy centers and the second chakra relates to several things including change, career and relationships. Fibroids may occur when you are blocked or have conflict in one or more of these areas; if you are putting your energy into unhealthy, dead end situations and/or relationships. Maybe that is why February 1, 2013 marks the real beginning of the end of my former life. The blockage was removed and the universe started dropping signs and synchronistic events into my life that very day. I began questioning if I had died on the table or had slipped into a coma during surgery. I had fallen down the Rabbit Hole. (poor Alice, that bitch Snow White keeps stealing her story)

The blocks in my life were holding me back. I don’t know if they really manifested physically as fibroids. But symbolically they certainly did. So the moral of the story is this. Remove your blocks. Don’t allow anything or anyone to hold you back from being your authentic self and living the life you are supposed to live. Even if you don’t know who or what that is. Because the answer just might be in the Rabbit Hole.

Cinderella was on to something…

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I may be Snow White, but I have to hand it to Cinderella. When the Universe sent her a fabulous pair of shoes she knew it was a sign to transform her life. Okay, maybe not in the most empowered of ways, but the girl knew not to underestimate the power of a great pair of shoes. It took me a while, but I finally learned that lesson as well.

Anyone who knows me, knows that 2011 was the WORST year of my life.  I tore my right Achilles tendon and dealt with the revelation of false friends. But nothing compared to the devastation I felt when my mother passed away that August.

Really??

By 2012 I was a mess.  Not even a hot mess.  Just a mess.  I had given up.  I wasn’t working.  I was still drowning in grief.  I felt 90 years old and defeated.  I was approaching 19 years in a marriage that was emotionally disconnected and only thrived even marginally when I stifled my outgoing personality.  I was wearing clogs, lots of clogs.  I had 4 pair.  My long range plan was to crochet, and drink wine on my couch while watching tv for the rest of my life.  I was crocheting so much that I actually injured my shoulder!  Seriously, who does that?  My friends and I named the injury “chro-shoulder” and I accepted my 90 year old existence.

Thankfully, in June I received the wake up call that changed everything.  My amazing 17 year old daughter, horrified by my clog wearing, crocheting ways, blurted out “Mom what are you doing?  What has happened to you?  You are not reaching your full potential!”.  Looking back, my response, and those clogs, make me cringe…”I don’t have any potential.  It’s all about you guys now.”

As that summer wore on, my husband became more distant and belligerent by the hour, and I sensed he might come home any day and say he wanted a divorce.  And because of what my daughter had said I began questioning everything.  What AM I doing?  Is this really all there is?  What kind of example am I setting for her?  Is this what my mother, who sacrificed her entire life for me, would want?  Who needs 4 pairs of clogs?  I wonder if I can crochet a wine coozie?  Where am I going to put all of this yarn?

One of my best friends, who has requested to be called “Beachy Waves” here, has a theory that many married people are either pretending to be happy or planning their escape.   In the fall I stopped pretending and started planning my escape.  At the time, the escape plan was long range.  Go back to work (accomplished in October thanks to my go to mentor/angel – you know who you are), save money (yeh, not so much), and work on myself for 8 years so I would be prepared to leave when my son graduated High School.  But the thing about the Universe is, once you put something out there, it conspires to make it happen.  And it works in mysterious ways…

Have you ever taken Ambien or heard stories of things people do on Ambien?  There should be a blog devoted to just those stories.  I Ambien Shop.  I wake up in the morning to an inbox full of email receipts, and have no recollection of purchasing anything.  It’s fairly entertaining to see what I buy. My greatest Ambien purchase by far happened in October of 2012.  I woke up to an email receipt from Nordstrom.  For over TWO THOUSAND dollars.  Every item on it was for something I would never buy, even if it wasn’t obscenely over priced.  But one item stood out as more ridiculous than the rest.  A $350 pair of deep red, patent, open toed Stuart Weitzman shoes with a 2.5″ heel.  Who the hell did I think I was?  I was all about CLOGS.  I never left the house.  I hadn’t worn heels since High School.  Clearly my subconscious had been overtaken by an alternate personality.  I swore that the entire order was going back.  But out of sheer curiosity, when the package arrived, I opened the Stuart Weitzman box.  The angels sang.  The shoes were gorgeous.  They were my favorite color.  And they represented everything I wasn’t.  I sat staring at them for at least 5 minutes.  I put them back in the box.  Then took them right back out.  I decided that even if I never wore them, I was keeping them.  I would put them on a shelf with a light shining on them.  They were staying.

photoBy the time my birthday came along in November,  the boost from having a job and being out in the world again was starting to kick in.  I had just a speck of my self confidence back so I decided to wear them.  Just out to dinner with my husband and friends, and it was transformative.  My whole attitude was different.  My husband’s negativity just rolled off my back.  It was oddly empowering.  I finally understood why some women are obsessed with shoes.  My drive to escape became just a little stronger and things accelerated from there.

The Universe is always sending us signs.  Sometimes you don’t recognize them right away.  When I first opened that box all I saw was a gorgeous pair of shoes.  But they turned out to be so much more.

 

SIDE NOTE: I in no way intend to offend anyone who married young, is happily married or still believes in marriage.  Everyone is different.  Every relationship is different.  If your heart and soul are happy, good for you!  That’s all that matters.  Also, I have nothing against clogs, they really are very, very comfortable.  Don’t tell my daughter, but I secretly kept one pair because there are always days when comfort trumps being fabulous.