The Bachelor

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bachelor-350x270Oh Tinder, you are the gift that keeps on giving.  As I covered in “It’s Goin’ Down, I’m Yellin’ Tinder”, there are quite a few gems out there.  The 43-52 age range is fairly mellow, so I only wound up with a few in the gem category.  But Daisy is hitting the jackpot in the 30 something age range.  So much so that a few weeks ago she began sending me a Bachelor of the Day or “BOD” every morning.  Let’s review and see who is worth of a rose, shall we?

 

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And you wonder why I have no interest in dating??  I’ve deleted my Tinder account and will rely on Daisy for screenshots to entertain me.  I’ve decided if the Universe forcing me to explore my options, then it’s gonna have to work a lot harder than this to get my attention!  I just hope I’m not passing up a GREATguy!

 

 

 

Goodnight Sweet Prince

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Goodnight Sweet Prince….

Although honestly, I am not inclined to call him sweet right now. Though just yesterday I called him sweetie, like I often do. But that was yesterday. Today, I had to let him go. One could say the choice was mine, but there was no other option. PC chose to create a situation that I am unable to tolerate.f404ef9a7ea4a76d7ec5b68dc377e153

I had to say goodbye to my Prince, because the NONSENSE is no longer serving as challenges that teach us lessons and make us stronger. It is damaging this beautiful, undefinable thing we created.

I don’t understand how it came to this. We are each others rock, safe haven and soft place to land. We help each other through the rough patches. Our unique connection led to the creation of a rare and beautiful and undefinable thing. We are each others “person”.

I don’t understand how we can let this go? He is my PC, I am his Snow White. He is my High Roller with Swagger to spare, and I am his “Poker Bitch”. Who will we talk to on the phone for 30 hours a week? What will we do without nights by the fire and “buca kisses”. Who will we laugh with about our endless repertoire of private jokes. Who will we laugh with about anything, as much as the two of us laugh about everything? Who will take me to the dive bar to visit the bartender I have a girl crush on? Who will teach him the ways of the evil genius and how to channel that power for good? Who will I play Keno and online Poker with? Who will warn him about upcoming astrological events or tell him what “magic rocks” to use?

I know what you are thinking. “She says she let him go, but she’s using present tense”. I am staying with present tense because we will always be those things to each other, even if we are apart. I also don’t know if this is the end forever, I am holding space for him in my heart. I just know that we have come to a place that is unacceptable for me. So today I said my peace and walked away, for now.

Goodnight Sweet Prince. Snow White will always love you.

It’s Goin’ Down, I’m Yellin’ Tinder

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Have you heard of Tinder? It’s a dating app that uses your Facebook profile and matches you with people based on your geographic/age preferences, mutual friends and interests. It takes all of 5 minutes to be up and running, then you anonymously like or pass on people by swiping left no/right yes. If you have both swiped right it results in a “match” and the app opens a text chat between you. In actuality it is a game, and when you hit on a match you have the option to stop and text your new match or “Keep Playing”. I can handle playing. Dating, not so much.

Dating is not my favorite topic, I don’t even like the word.  I don’t understand dating, maybe because I have never done it.  I had two relationships in my late teens/early twenties back in the days when you liked a boy, he liked you, and you became an “insta-couple”.  I met EX when I was 21, and we didn’t date.  We were a regular hook-up that turned into a relationship. Astrologically, dating is not in my chart.  I’ve had several astrologers say some version of “you are NOT a dater”.

PC is also a large part of why dating makes me cringe.  When he and I first re-connected, he was 8 months into his separation, I was still married, and he was actively dating.  Of course he was, it’s what most separated men do almost immediately.  Divorce is a HUGE blow to the male ego.  Even I understand why dating is an important part of the healing process.  He should have been dating.  So it caught me off guard when, during that first conversation, PC mentioned “the women I’ve dated” and I almost blacked out with jealousy.  Side Note: You know there is a problem when you find a suspicious text from another woman on your husband’s phone, and feel nothing; but a platonic male friend you haven’t seen in 10 years and haven’t spoken to in 4 years mentions he’s been dating, and you have a visceral reaction. 

To say I struggled with the dating concept once our relationship shifted doesn’t begin to cover it, (that requires it’s own post).  PC and I are both free to date.  I am not dating.  If PC dates it is a deal breaker.  I detest the concept, it is NONSENSE.  All of my friends think I should date.  I actually agree, I probably should, I just don’t have it in me.  I wish I did, and on more than one occasion when the roller coaster was dropping I have demanded that my friends find me someone to go on a hate date with.  Thankfully it isn’t so easy to find someone for a hate date.  The only real option seems to be online dating, and that is one of my worst nightmares.

ab5edff0a34f4d7a88830fef12833aceI understand why people use online dating.  I have a friend who met her soon to be fiancé that way, and I am thrilled for her.  I know it works for some people.  I guess my aversion stems from the same wiring that makes me hate dating in general.  It just feels so forced to me, like you are letting the internet do the Universe’s job.  (I suppose one could argue that the Universe is using the internet as a tool, but that’s WAY too philosophical for this post.)  There is an online dating site for EVERY type of person and relationship, it goes well beyond Match and E-Harmony.  There are sites for “Group Daters” and Swingers, even one for “Farmers Only”.  It’s a world unto its own.  But last week one of my best friends, who has requested to be called Daisy here, introduced me to the world of Tinder.

Daisy is fabulous, in her early thirties, and recently went through a horrific breakup.  Though she doesn’t share my overall views on dating, she is not a fan of online dating, and right now she isn’t enthusiastic about dating of any kind.  So when friends forced her onto Tinder she was not pleased. But Daisy is “Yellin’ Tinder” now. There is power in a good ego boost and a good distraction to help you through heartbreak, and Tinder provides both in spades.  She showed it to me and I was so entertained I decided to give it a try.

Daisy and I don’t care about the outcome of any of this, so scrolling through potential matches is pure entertainment. The two things that are an automatic swipe left for me are, having the same first name as EX (rules out 20%, super common name); and having the same first name as PC (way more than I expected, his name is not common). We both have a minimum height requirement of 6’2″.  You can’t select a height preference, so if they don’t offer it up in their profile you have to go by the pictures. If he doesn’t look tall enough, swipe left. Even without that criteria, it’s almost always easy to make a split second decision…

I’ve been on just a few days and I have well over 20 matches, which isn’t too shabby for a mid-life Princess. And Daisy, being fabulous and young, is receiving a tremendous response.  I have no plans to ever actually date any of these matches. Daisy may, because why not, she’s young.  And smart.  She is currently chatting with an MMA fighter who texts “RAWR” several times a day, and she would love to parade this giant through the bar her ex frequents just for fun.  She has also had to delete some gems, including a guy who lost his license for 10 years and wants her to travel 20+ miles to see him; and another who text and asked “are you thinking about how much you want to f*** me”. Which makes me feel lucky that the men in my age category (43-52) seem to have a very limited ability to chat it up via text. I’ve only heard from a few, and the worst I’ve encountered is one who started out strong, but now communicates mostly via smiley emoticons.

I am definitely having fun with this. I don’t see me venturing any further into the world of online dating, or dating of any kind. But if dating is a concept I have to deal with, I will play.

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Bring Me Your Heart, My Dear Snow White

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NOTE: This isn’t the post I intended to work on this weekend. But the astrology sucks, Mars is pinging the Cardinal Cross and wreaking havoc on my moon, I’m in a funk, so I need to go here instead.

Truth be told, most of the fairy tales that Disney movies are based on are quite scary.  Some of them are pretty horrifying. In the case of Snow White, in the original fairly tale the Evil Queen commands the Huntsman to kill Snow, and bring back her heart and liver.  The Huntsman can’t bring himself to kill her, so he brings back the heart and liver of a boar, and the Queen eats them. And just like in the fairy tale, my heart and my liver are on the line.  Yes, my heart AND my liver.

th1LI41JQD The reason my heart is on the line is probably obvious, so I will start with my liver. When PC and I get together, 90% of the time we drink.  A LOT.  It’s not that we need to drink in order to enjoy each other.  It’s quite the opposite actually. We used to joke that we could sit in a dumpster with a pencil for hours and entertain ourselves. (I know, that’s weird, we would be declared insane if mental health professionals monitored our conversations.) When we are together we have so much fun that a time warp forms around us.  So much so that we have had instances where twelve hours have passed and we feel like we’ve only been together for 15 minutes.  And this isn’t just because of the alcohol.  It’s just us. It happens when we talk on the phone too, I think our record is 4 hours that felt like 5 minutes. When it comes to drinking, we are just so much alike that it becomes dangerous.  We both enjoy a good day or night, or day and night, of drinking.  We both have addictive, excessive personalities.  Neither of us knows when to stop or wants the party to end once it gets going.  While all of this is wonderful and a lot of fun, I can’t imagine my liver is very happy about it.

Now for my heart. I’ve mentioned before that PC is dealing with a lot. And he’s fiercely independent. He will often say his biggest fear is being told what to do. Needless to say PC struggles a bit with this connection and how easily we fall into “it”.  He is in no hurry to formally couple up again.  I’m ok with that, I get it.  I just wish we could enjoy what we are without all of the ups and downs.  If you read my last post you know he goes “retrograde” on a regular basis. Or as he describes it, he plays “go away…no come back…go away…no come back”.

I hear the phrase “you deserve better” a lot. I don’t disagree. In one of my failed attempts to be strong I once told PC, “I deserve better, not better THAN you, better FROM you”. (I know, that’s a good line isn’t it?!) But the thing is, he is always brutally honest with me about what he is capable of giving and he really is giving me the best he has right now. He’s also not holding me back from doing anything. Certainly not dating or finding someone else, because I am also fiercely independent. I only embarked on this adventure because it was HIM and our connection is insane. I don’t just want a guy.

So, I am “damned if I do and damned if I don’t”. What would letting this go do for me other than make me miserable all of the time, instead of just when he goes retrograde? This isn’t a “rules” situation. Ultimatums, games, they don’t work. Our relationship is beyond that, and we basically have telepathy.  The bottom line is, this is what it is right now. And that’s ok. And this Scorpio, with enough water energy in her natal chart for 3 people (if you don’t know astrology that means I am basically a tsunami of emotions), needs to find a way to not throw up on every loop of the roller coaster.

My heart (and my liver) are on the line. I just hope that, like in the fairy tale, Snow White’s heart (and liver) are spared.

When Planets Go Retrograde, So Goes Prince Charming

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thY92ZA5IOWell I may as well tell you now, I’m into Astrology.  And by “into Astrology” I mean it’s a hobby, and by “hobby” I mean obsession.  I know just enough about it to be dangerous, and I would love to learn more. I follow the daily/weekly/monthly transits pretty closely and love seeing how they play out in everyday life. One of the big transits you often hear about is a “Retrograde”, especially Mercury. A planet is said to be “Retrograde” when it appears to be stopped (stationed) then moves backwards. Each retrograde is surrounded by a shadow period. A time right before and after the retrograde where it’s speed is significantly slower than normal.  But planets don’t actually move backwards, it’s an optical illusion.  All of the planets orbit at different rates, when they pass each other, it looks as though the planet is moving backwards across the sky. It is like riding a train and when a faster train passes you going in the same direction, you briefly feel like you are moving backwards. Mercury is the most well known retrograde, and is infamous for causing mishaps of all kinds, particularly with electronics and communications. The retrograde of any planet will have a particular effect on the prevailing energy, and more specific individual impact depending on placement in a person’s birth chart.  Retrogrades can cause some chaos.  But they can also bring clarity, as they are a time for “RE”. Re-thinking, Re-visiting, Re-doing, Re-evaluating, Re-flecting, etc.

I may as well also tell you now, like any respectable Princess, I have a Prince Charming, aka PC. What we have is pretty unique and awesome. I can’t think of a word that truly captures the connection we have. I am grateful every day that he is in my life even though our relationship is a roller coaster. A giant, scary, loop de loop roller coaster that is at times thrilling and exhilarating, and at other times terrifying and makes me motion sick. th9OE9BJ9UWe both have fairly complicated divorce situations that are not resolved and we both have emotional and psychological wounds that haven’t healed. PC is the most emotionally intelligent guy I have ever known, he is super sensitive, caring, intuitive and fairly emotional. But despite all of this, at the end of the day PC is all GUY. Most of our ups and downs, or “drops” on the roller coaster, have been a result of his intrinsic “guy-ness”.  The past year has been amazing.  I wouldn’t trade a second of it, even though it wasn’t always easy. Despite his “guy-ness” I believe in the connection. And I can stand by this belief because I have amazing friends, a well stocked liquor cabinet and good prescriptions!

As I was buckling in for another “drop” on the roller coaster over the weekend, it occurred to me that Mercury had just gone retrograde. It got me thinking about some of the bigger “drops” we have had over the past year, and I realized most happened during a retrograde.

These “drops” typically occur when things get a little too much for one of us.  Usually him (due to the “guy-ness”).  Some of the “drops” have coincided with other major astrological events, the Cardinal Cross was not good to us, but the overriding theme is the Retrograde….

  • Mercury (planet of communication) went retrograde Friday, and down we went.
  • Mars (planet of war, action and masculine energy) was retrograde March through most of May. We were in a long drop for much of that time.
  • Venus (planet of love and relationships) was retrograde through January and February and Mercury was Retrograde for 3 weeks in the middle of that. Complete malfunction of the roller coaster.
  • Mercury was retrograde in October/November of 2013, that was one of the first drops.

tumblr_lny2j9h4hD1qekhph You may think Astrology is all hocus pocus. Maybe so. But I see it as a valuable way to prepare for the prevailing energy. And in this case, it helps me to plan accordingly for retrogrades. Because I have determined that PC goes retrograde along with the planets. He stations and slows down and things get off kilter. We have time to RE-flect and RE-adjust.  Then things spin in harmony once again.