DISCLAIMER: As much as I will bash my soon to be ex-husband (EX) in my posts, it does take two. I wasn’t a gem all of the time either, and I own my participation in the demise of our marriage. I sincerely wish him the best and send him love and light. But he just provides way too much material.
Did you know that Almond Butter is the root of all evil? Prior to April of 2013 I was blissfully unaware of this, but apparently, if your husband thinks everything you do is a) stupid, b) selfish or c) disturbing, almost anything can be evil. Buying Almond Butter is only one of many behaviors my EX considers disturbing. The list includes, but is not limited to: using hot rollers, working until 6:15pm, playing Words with Friends, drinking more than one glass of wine more than once a week, texting, reading on the beach while on vacation, making new friends and staying out past 11pm. One would think this would be recognized as merely living life, and that one’s husband would be more disturbed by his formerly lively and outgoing wife doing nothing but binge crocheting. Not mine.
Like I said, I lived my entire life not realizing that such things could be classified as disturbing behavior. Then one morning in April of 2013, after I had come home fairly late the night before, the following text exchange occurred:
EX: “Well that was disturbing news last night.”
SW: “What news? You were asleep when I got home”
EX: “That you were out so late. It’s disturbing behavior. You working late last week, drinking so much wine on Easter, texting your friends, your behavior has been very disturbing lately.”
Truth be told, my behavior the night before could quite possibly be considered disturbing (that’s for another post). But EX did not have the information required to make that determination. I did not continue the exchange. It was not worth the argument, and I was too busy focusing on my escape plan to care much.
Fast forward 11 months and I discovered that EX’s standards for what is considered disturbing behavior are quite “unique”. According to his standards all of the things mentioned above, and more, are considered disturbing. What I learned is, according to his standards, knocking up your 20 something girlfriend from Africa, less than 3 months after you moved out of the house is not. Also not considered disturbing behavior, telling your soon to be ex-wife about this via text message. Not even a text message focused on this news, but as an “oh by the way” at the end of a text message about summer camps for our son…”he can do this one this week, this one another week, then we have this. Oh and I’m having a baby in June so that should make things exciting.” I am not making this up. It’s the equivalent of, or likely worse, than when Berger broke up with Carrie via post-it note on Sex in the City. It also isn’t disturbing to hide the news from your 80+ year old parents and expect your existing children, your sister and your niece and nephew to not mention it. Nor is it disturbing to move your girlfriend’s existing 5 year old son from Africa to the US to live with you one week before the baby is due, and not bother telling your adult daughter or soon to be ex-wife that this is happening.
Please do not mistake my snark about this situation as jealousy or bitterness. It is anything but. I’m pretty sure I actually got over him about 10 years ago, because it was the only way to deal with his emotionally detached, judgmental, stifling and condescending ways towards me. I also honestly want him to be happy, and if creating a whole new family, deceiving his parents and getting up for 2am feedings again makes him happy then good for him. But I am much too sarcastic, and my sense of humor is much too warped to not appreciate the hilarity and utter ridiculousness of this situation. To quote my daughter, “What. The. Actual. Fuck.”!?!?
The consensus in my household, and among most people who know us or anything about EX, is that this is the LAST thing anyone would have ever predicted. EX has historically been one of the most reserved, non risk-taking, closed off people you would ever meet. He was famous for repeatedly stating “I don’t want any new friends. I have enough friends. I don’t need any new friends.” Everyone agrees, even me, that if you were to predict which one of us would wind up in a “you can’t make this shit up” scenario, it would without question be ME. I don’t want to discount his right to change, or be more of who he really is now that we split up. That is one of the primary benefits of divorce, you become free to be who you are or want to be. I’m doing that (or trying to at least) and he deserves to as well. This is just an EXTREME way of doing that.
If it weren’t for the fact that it is so hard on my son, I would be 100% ecstatic about this turn of events. EX loved to paint me as the one who did all the crazy things. Rightfully so. Well look who’s crazy now! It also provides endless entertainment for me, my daughter and all of our friends. My son is a resilient kid with lots of people who love him and great friends. I hate that he has to go through this, but I know he will be ok and is undoubtedly learning lots of lessons from it.
As shocking as it is, there is this tiny part of me that isn’t actually surprised at all. I don’t know if that’s because I tend to be a magnet for “you can’t make this shit up” type of things or if I just always sensed EX was completely repressed. I keep remembering something PC said to me, way back at the beginning when EX did a few things I found mildly out of character. He said “I think you are going to find that EX is not who you thought he was. He’s always had that stoic way about him that led me to believe there was far more going on under the surface than anyone knew.” Looks like PC was right. PC also believes that we don’t even know half of what is yet to be revealed about this situation. I’m inclined to believe him, because the degree of secrecy EX has been maintaining is fairly extreme.
So here we are. It is June 17, 2014, the girlfriend and the 5 year old are living with the man who is technically still my husband and she is due to have his baby in 5 days, on June 22nd. I am thinking of starting a baby pool, and my pick will be June 21st. Exactly one year to the day that EX moved out of the house. Because that’s just how the Universe seems to be working these days.